Marriage

By Rev. Jennifer Palin, May 2004, written as an update to Passion and Freedom.

I'm an ordained minister in The United Church of Canada. I'm also married to a Jew. I have two pages to write about this relationship that has lasted, to date, 23 years. Hundreds of books have been written on Jewish-Christian marriage (a few are noted below) - this article will be a very selective and personal perspective on things I think may be of interest to UCC people. Lots of stuff will be left out, and there will be stuff you won't agree with; I invite you to write your own article and share it with the church - "Let a thousand flowers bloom."

My marriage is a heterosexual relationship. I mention this because we should no longer assume marriages are heterosexual, and also because gay people in Jewish-Christian relationships have some different issues that arise from a shared history of both groups being targeted for Nazi extermination (some wore pink triangles as well as yellow stars in the concentration camps). Most people in the UCC are only aware of the Jewish shoah, and the imbalance of awareness and sensitivity to gay Jewish issues can be a problem.

For Jews born since the shoah, there is a special anxiety that Jewish people may be obliterated from the face of the earth. A result is that Jewish community has developed sensitivity to marriages that do, or do not, provide Jewish progeny. Being gay and not having Jewish children can be an issue for some Jewish families in a way that is quite different from being gay and choosing not to have children in gentile families.

However, interfaith heterosexual marriages are not immune to this anxiety. Jewish lineage is traced through the mother; children with gentile mothers and Jewish fathers are not Jewish. Most Jewish-Christian marriages in North America (for reasons similar to black-white interracial marriages) are Jewish men marrying gentile women (by the way, reading up on this phenomenon will help you understand that your "unique" relationship is also part of a broad social pattern, with its own race-related dynamics). For some Jews, intermarriage has been seen as a continuation of Hitler's work - the slow extermination of Jews by not producing Jewish progeny. In "normal" courtship, even in different interfaith matches, these sorts of issues usually do not arise - it's worth checking out how your partner feels about children, baptism, circumcision, conversion, etc., before the unconscious and very emotional expectations of generations of people start to become manifest in your relationship. Another aspect of this issue is that Jewish children are named after Jewish relatives who have died; there are a lot of people who have died and whose memory needs to be commemorated.

Many UCC people like to believe that religions are "basically all the same." It is a noble sentiment, assuming that what makes us human gives us more in common than what divides us. It's true we all have a lot in common as human beings; that does not mean all religions are the same. For instance, Chanukka is not a "Jewish Christmas." It happens to occur around the same time of year, but it is a totally different type of festival. This holds true for other holidays (holy-days) as well.

Other religions are not mirror images of Christianity with only the words and symbols changed. Each interfaith relationship will need to decide how syncretistic it chooses to be, with some celebrating each faith holiday quite discreetly, and others choosing to mix them all together. But keep in mind: Marriages are not just about two individuals and their choices - how their respective families are going to feel about these celebrations and to what extent they will be comfortable participating in them (or not) will also need to be negotiated. Celebrating all the festivals can be a lot of fun, and can be very educational for Christians as they learn more about the religious heritage of Christianity within Judaism, as long as we don't assume Christianity is the "new and improved" version of the same religion (and Islam is the newest and best).

Which brings up the question of how the children will be raised-Jewish? Christian? Both? A unique blend? None of the above? Again, it's worth checking this out with each other before the unconscious assumptions kick in. Some of our most bitter early marital arguments were about whether we were going to have a "Christmas" tree. He said he wasn't Christian and didn't want a tree; I said the tree wasn't even a Christian symbol, it was pagan; he said that made it even worse; I said I had a right to my own traditions; he said I was making Christian imperialist assumptions, smothering his Jewish identity, etc. There is no one right answer - just be aware that it's probably easier to talk about these things at some time other than just before one's family is about to arrive to celebrate the season.

Which opens the inherent divide in all Jewish-Christian relationships, the one you will trip over many times in many contexts: As well as being unique individuals, you are also Jewish and Christian. That means your personal identity is inextricably tied to the communal identity of other groups of people. In Western culture, this means that if you are Christian, you are part of a group of people who have persecuted Jews for millennia, and if you are Jewish, you are part of a group of people who have experienced Christians as toxic. For Jews, simply attending a church and seeing a Jewish man (Jesus) hung up on a cross as the central Christian symbol can be very upsetting. Listening to the New Testament scripture readings describing "The Jews" can be very upsetting. Most gentiles are totally unaware of how basic Christian identity has often been formed around anti-Jewish myths. This has led to a variety of inter-group stereotypes too numerous to name here.

One such stereotype that has some potential to cause difficulties in a mixed marriage is that if you are Christian and female, you have the potential identity of a shiksa , whether you or your partner accept such stereotyping or not. A shiksa is a derogatory word for a gentile female. It is not a "nice" word. Traditionally, Jewish men would "date" shiksas but not "take them home to meet their mother," and not marry them. There are assumptions about the sexual morality of shiksas. If you are a gentile female and anyone speaks this word in your Jewish husband's presence and he does not challenge it, you have a lot to discuss about mutual respect. It is not "just teasing" or "kidding around." Having been persecuted for millennia does not make it OK to disrespect others simply because they are a member of what has been an oppressive group.

And then there is the state of Israel. What does that have to do with your marriage? Well, it's a daily part of shared culture in North America that what happens in Israel/Palestine matters so much that this particular geopolitical conflict is in our TV news every night. If your child goes to a Jewish school, even a very liberal Jewish school where gentiles are also present, your child will still need extra security and that school will have defences against violent attack that "normal," gentile schools do not. When you bring your Jewish/Christian children to Christian gatherings, especially in the UCC, they may be exposed to pro-Palestinian and anti-Israeli points of view with which they are not yet able to cope, and it will be assumed they have already taken positions on this conflict. Protesting that they are only children will not stop people from leaping to conclusions.

Similarly, when you and your spouse attend social gatherings, people may say things to your Jewish spouse such as "Why do you Jews support...didn't you learn anything about oppression from the Holocaust?" or Jewish gatherings may ask: "What is the Christian position on...isn't Torah part of your Bible?" as though each of you is a universal representative of your particular group. Again, it's easier to discuss together beforehand how you are going to deal with these issues as a couple than to try to work your way through them in public. It's not fair, but it's part of contemporary social culture that Jewish-Christian marriages are being lived out in this context.

At this point in our history, there are probably hundreds of Jewish-Christian marriages already within The United Church of Canada, and there will be many more. How well we welcome, nurture, and tend to the special needs of these relationships will be part of how healthy and happy we will be as a church. To all who engage in this form of tikkun olam, and mazel tov, blessings!

Further Reading

• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Interfaith Relationships by Laurie Rozakis (Alpha Books, 2001).
• Intermarriage and Conversion: A Halakhic Solution by Rabbi J. Simcha Cohen (Jersey City, NJ: Ktav, 1987).
• Mixed Blessings: Overcoming the Stumbling Blocks in an Interfaith Marriage by Paul Cowan with Rachel Cowan (New York: Penguin, 1988).
• Mixed Matches: How to Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships by Joel Crohn (New York: Ballantine, 1995).
• Raising Your Jewish/Christian Child: How Interfaith Parents Can Give Children the Best of Both Their Heritages, rev. ed., by Lee F. Gruzen (New York: Newmarket Press, 2001).
• Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up among Worlds by David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken (Yarmouth, ME: Nicholas Brealey/Intercultural Press, 2001).